Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize