I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
