well most of my day revolves around power hour
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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