My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
