You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
