if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
