I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize