Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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