So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
