Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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