Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize