hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
