guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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