my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
