I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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