just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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