My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
