seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
