I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
