Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
