I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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