he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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