He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
