so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Barsexuality is the new black.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
