I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
