Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
