I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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