I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
