i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
