around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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