giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
