saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize