i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
