I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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