Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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