He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
