Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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