walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
