He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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