Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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