That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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