i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
