Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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