Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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