Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
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