I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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