I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
