wrigley field is MILF paradise
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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