Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
