my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
