broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
