They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
