Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This baby is an asshole
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
