Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
false alarm. still invincible.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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