What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
