if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
