I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
