dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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