apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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