i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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