The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
